‘It’s all good and well you telling me that I can choose my emotions, but you should meet my boss – the guy’s a self-serving ego-centred prize jerk and he drives me nuts!’ one of my delegates recently told me.
Don’t we all know someone that pushes our buttons like that? The question is not if they are out there but how do we deal with them? How often do you get wound up and react to the way other people behave? I get a lot of my clients saying ‘he or she shouldn’t say that or act or behave that way, It’s not right and they should know better or whatever. They want me to agree with how wrong the others are in an attempt to get some temporary relief from the anger they are experiencing. Does it help?
Whilst I might agree that the behaviour they experience is not right, my concern is that their whole recipe for feeling better is predicated on another person changing their behaviour. Not a very reliable strategy! Change takes time and that’s assuming somebody wants to. People have their issues, and often, when under pressure those issues cause people to act in very unresourceful ways. It’s not about you, you just happen to be on the receiving end of their inability to self-regulate their emotions. The person inflicting the upset is probably blissfully unaware or simply chooses to act in a way that supports their own survival or coping mechanism. For example they may shout you down or become aggressive and controlling because they have learned this as a way of coping in stressful high-pressure situations. You simply cannot change this behaviour pattern overnight. You will only become more frustrated if you try.
Whilst I am not saying we should accept inappropriate behaviour from others, we can relieve ourselves of some stress by letting go of the demand that they should act differently or change. Put your focus instead on letting go of the need to correct, that’s their problem to fix! Practice the choice to choose and not let others control how you feel. You can choose whether you allow their behaviour to ruin your day. You choose if you are going to be angry or frustrated or upset. You choose if you want to remain in control of your day, your work and your mood. The real power over how you feel is in you. Own your personal power. It’s the greatest gift we have as humans. Use it.
Martin Coburn
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